On July 27, 2015, I lost my Grandpa. And I spent the next month eating my way through the sorrow. It was almost a month later, in late August, when I stepped on the scale and nearly had a panic attack with the number that faced me. I had never been that heavy in my entire life. Not even when I was pregnant. I knew changes had to be made.
So I started a 100 days in a row journey. I made a goal to work out everyday for 100 days. And I did it. It wasn’t easy. Some days workouts were miserable. Some were great. Most were just days I was happy to be moving.
In the process of working out that much, I lost 37 pounds. I felt so much better and was starting to find my waistline again. But when the 100 days of working out were done, I quit. And I ate ice cream. And drank more wine. And switched jobs. And found out my 9-year-old is dyslexic. And had a pretty bad crop harvest. And the list could go on and on.
All to say I gained some weight back. And I’m sitting here feeling miserable and like I failed yet again. I seem to be able to lose weight. I just can’t stick with any plan.
I’ve struggled in the past few months with my self-esteem. It has tanked. I have caught myself saying stuff about my butt and thighs in front of my 12 and 9-year-old daughters. And they are the last people I need to negatively influence about weight. I have the best professional image, but my own personal self-worth is just bad.
So what changes this time? I really don’t know. I need to drop the “all-in/out” mindset. I need to have a workout plan that just gets me moving a little each day. I need to eat better. And I need to believe in myself.
After work tonight, I laced up my shoes and headed to my path. I’ve sought this path as my exercise route and a good place to do some thinking and planning. I’m not sure I came up with any great ideas but I did promise myself to work on my self-esteem. To not worry about what people think of me. To quit talking negatively about myself in front of my daughters. To smile more. To be happy. And to be consistent, but not expect perfection.